Every now and then dad would send me some email regarding how successful is the young people under him is doing well in his company. How great they are. It often creates pressure for me, to compete with them. And recently, my mum is deeply impressed by my sister can travel and live in Hilton on company's expense. Maybe that's the normal thing normal people admire. In order not to be eccentric, do I have to learn to admire the 'extraordinary'?
Sometimes when I look at myself
yes, I was looking at myself, seeing myself wining about the situation. That wasn't the person I want to be, hang on to one thing and can't go on with my life. I felt weak when I do wine. I felt I should just face it like a man. But the other side of me saying, men should be tough on the outside but should be allowed to be weak inside about those issues that he might not be very strong at, such as emotion.
Maybe it's more impressive with more gross income of a year and more distinctions. but all those doesn't make me really really happy. for five months, i wanted most is another chance with you. and it is still the case. well, i should stop wining and start doing the things I should be doing now.
posted by b o h a n at 11:06 PM
The Green Shirt
I bought a green tshirt yesterday for today I am seeing Lily and Jamie. But I vageuly felt on my back of my mind, i will meet you today for some reason. And that happened, unpredictably.
You don't look at me, you talked to Lily, I hardly have chance to jump in the conversation. I look at you, you are as pretty as I remembered, you look great in your green shirt. You look confident too. Does he really love you that much, or you don't really care? You don't know everytime you appear in front of me, there is a tide inside which I can't ease myself. I don't know how long this effect would last. It is still my only wish, hope and dream that you could be mine and I would be yours. Pity you would never heard my voice about you, you would never know how much I wanted you. How can I earn you back, muscle, distinctions, career? I am screaming in silence, you made me to ask the world why it has to be that cruel. Why can't people just be normal friends?
posted by b o h a n at 3:10 PM
Saturday, July 31, 2004
Insomnia
It's 3:33AM, I cannot sleep. I miss you.
posted by b o h a n at 3:34 AM
Friday, July 30, 2004
The First Friday Night
Friday night is a weird one. When you go out on Friday night, it seems super natrual. But when you stay at home, you start to wonder where is everyone else. Like I wondered where you are, I imagined how can we talk?
You initated the conversation. I am so excited, it's the first time you talk to me online ever since I gave you the scarf almost two months ago. How I wish to tell you how much I missed you, how many times I have looked at your picture on the wall. I just couldn't have enough. But I can't, I have to act, act in a normal don't care too much friend's style conversation. when can I release myself.
I just missed you twice this week, once at drum. once today, you were at piano 5:30, I was just upstairs in physics theatre, altitude wise it's like less than 5 metres. And I missed you. You don't know how many times, I dreamed of you walk to me and talk to me. Your cse account won't expire until 31st Aug. I never wanted something so badly, yet so helpless as there are no guides to win you back. I have to learn how to be happy without you, I am still trying.
posted by b o h a n at 11:11 PM
The First Friday Night
The typical perception towards Friday night should be unwinding... but I can't for some reason, maybe because realising the whole weekend is again gone before you know it. Working 9-7 then 9-5. Maybe I should now call Monday Saturday and Tuesday Sunday. Wednesday become the new Monday. Someone already started studying for the subject. Mad. The Graphics lecture is awesome has so many awesome ideas.
posted by b o h a n at 9:09 PM
Saturday Morning
7:01AM - waking up in Grace's room. Sleep in her sleeping bag wasn't the greatest place on earth to bunk, yet provided a night sound sleep with awkward dream.
7:11AM - quietly leaving her studio, I left a thank note on the computer before I left.
7:15AM - Left the apartment, face Studio 4 Cafe asking for taxi direction. The owner is super nice, he lent me the wireless phone. After the phone call, I ordered a large coffee with the owner for his kindness. Seconds later, the taxi arrived.
7:58AM - Before 8 o'clock I am able to get home. That's a sensational feeling. Just an hour ago, I was at Studio 4, being asked "are you working for the television station?" with the sunshine shines on modern apartment. Before you know it, I was back to where I live, to where I belong. I like the coffee though.
9:00AM - Start working for the day... ...
last night I stayed up late for the scarf. This morning, I knit still. I had difficulty to finish knit. I met Aim. Aim helped me, we sat on quad lawn for lunch. Then green comes, on the exact moment, I turned my head and I saw her. In split second, I decided to give her the scarf and I did. She said, what the heck, twice. But I don't mind. She smiles.
It is fate for me to turn at that exact moment. It is fate that I meet her today. Since when I start believing in fate. I met Alice Chat Robot this afternoon in ethics seminar. I ask, will my previous girlfriend would come back to me. the answer is, it could happen, very cheering. I am in a good mood.
My first girlfriend has told me many stories about her new boyfriend. Well, sometimes it makes me feel low self esteem, especially when she trying to mention that the past few years are completely pain for her. She did not enjoy it. Well, that partially implies that I am responsible, I am not a good boyfriend, I don't have the quality there.
Now, we all know my first girlfriend does that all the time, trying to say I am ugly and very self centered, but whether she means it or not, I felt I didn't do a good job. It's a failure in terms of relationship that I didn't manage to make one girl happy. That feeling is just not nice. Even though I am still confident with many girls, to establish an lasting relationship becomes a mental challenge. The question in my head is, am I really that incompetent to make a girl happy.
While not keen on looking for more girls, stick with green is my best bet to give green and myself time to prove I am worthy.
When green come online, I don't know what to do. Seeing a small icon knows she is there in the same city watch the same screen that has a small icon that shows that I am online. we gazing at the same screen, even though not lovers anymore. partially bears the pressure. You write to me tonight for some reason, I am nervous about what are you going to write.
Your typing style still remains the same, casual and peaceful, tasteless. I let myself just calm down and watch what you say and I don't get you worried that I have mugged when you ask me how did I lose my glasses. you stopped typing, I don't know whether I should feel happy or sad. Knowing you are going out with someone is torturing me all over, but knowing he does not belong to our university made me relaxed a bit at the same time a bit of tension.
You stopped typing, I should leave the conversation now, just leave it peacefully started and ended for the night. I am waiting for the wave to come, I am waiting for week thirteen.
Aim reminds me of my sister. During the lab, I noted her shoes and her jeans. It reminds me of someone, autumn that is. They don't care about the styles, they have great dedications, fabulous concentration which is why I am attracted to both of them. You like your sister, you are sick. Well, someone in this world is going to love their sister.
On the other side, the fact peter works at international business machine impresses me even further apart from his already impressive body mass. I think girls would like that someone who is capable of getting a real job as well as physically fit and steady. There are many models for follow and learn. Though I do think I am more flexible than the above three mentioned, but where this flexibility leads me is the question I have to ask myself soon.
Hello,
Today I have finally finished my thesis report. What a relief! It is a day worth celebrating. Currently I am working on my next week's thesis presentation and after week thirteen, I would become a free man.
I will talk to you later.
Best regards,
Your friend Chen
Ok, now no one can reads my thoughts now. It is yet better then encryption. All I wanted to say is I miss you so much, and when I heard that the guy you are going out does not come to this University, I feel half happy, half sad. I will see you in week thirteen.
Well, just figure I could post japanese blog gracefully. But once I posted, I possibly can't understand myself. Hence, now I need a second backup site with original stuff that I could look up once I post them up as Japanese. I should print all of them out. Jamie knows Japanese. Um. i wonder how did they translate Lily into Japanese.
